What's happening beautiful people? It's the first day of Summer, can you believe it? Time is flying by! When you were a kid and wanted to get older, the days dragged on forever! Now that we're older and time is running out we want the day to go by slower than a motherfucker. I never thought that I would be one of those people that would say, I wish I can go back with what I know now, good luck! That's what living is about, and at one point you put it all together. You realize that the money and the bullshit aren't really what you were seeking, it was happiness. The ability to think clearly and feel positive about yourself. The ability to feel that if a fucked up situation arises your prepared. In a way you look forward to a bump in the road because you'll now handle it in a different manner, not the manner you would handle something when you were twenty.
Last night I was sitting on my porch realizing how lucky I was. I'm happy, I have great friends, I'm not rich but I have my health. I thought about my wife and my cats and the happiness they bring me then in the middle of my euphoric mindfuck I remembered a dark time. A time of confusion and pain in my life. It was the first time I thought I was rreally going to die and in a way, I wanted to.
In 1984 I was 21 years old and at the time, I was OK. I lived in a 2 bedroom condo in Snowmass Village Colorado. I had a job, I was back in School part time at Colorado Mountain College and for the first time since my mothers death, things were looking up. Don't get me wrong, I was still scamming like a motherfucker but it was controlled. For some reason or another, something wasn't right. I felt that I was rough around the edges when I got to Colorado and now that I had stepped back for a few months I was ready to go back to North Bergen and take it to the next level. Why? I had everything in Colorado. The truth was that I felt I was missing something.
So I gave my roommate Jimmy a couple months rent with the promise that I would be back in a month. Deep down in my heart, I knew that was a lie. The minute I got off the plane, the party started. I picked up right were I left off. I went through the money I saved in about a week. I got a job working as a warehouseman got a girlfriend and fell right into the North Beegen lifestyle. Working, drinking, snorting and having a good time. It really wasn't a good time, something was bothering me and I couldn't put my finger on it. I had this sadness in my soul. When my mom died, I was 15. I was busy. I was in school, I played sports, I had a girlfriend, I partied, all the things to distract me from the pain. After 6 years, the pain was getting to be unbearable. It was hitting me, in reality, it was time to pay the piper. For years I swept my sorrow and anger under a carpet, and now it was catching up to me. I went from doing a half of a gram a weekend to a half ounce a night. Before long, I lost my job, my girlfriend and the place where I was living. I had become a Nomad!
I had bags of clothes in different peoples houses. My headquarters was a bar. I would be there all day waiting for people to come in with different scams to fuel my addiction. I lost everything I had in 6 months just like that. I would sleep when I could. One or two nights a week I would get a hotel room. One night I would sleep at a friends and the other nights. I just ended up were ever the blow would finish then deal with it. I was a fucking mess.
The particular night I was thinking about was a cold night after Thanksgiving. I was walking around, it was fucking freezing and I was tired. It was about 4AM and I thought about a friend who had a mattress in his basement.I broke into the side window and crawled in. I remember taking a dirty blanket from the laundry pile and going into the back room where the mattress was. There was no heat. I was shaking, I was hungry. I remember thinking about how I had come to this. I couldn't believe this was happening. I broke down and started to cry hard, with this fury that I had never felt before in my life. I remember wanting to kill myself at that moment but I was too tired. I made up my mind. I was going to catch a few hours, wake up, get something to eat, then I was going to walk up to the George Washington Bridge and jump.
That was my plan. I could sleep now because I had a mission and all this was going to end. I layed down and closed my eyes. As I lay there ready to drift off, I smelled something. What was it? I opened my eyes and right there 2 inches from my face was the oldest, brownest, biggest peice of shit I ever saw! They had a dog that would slip downstairs from time to time. I remember wanting to cry, but I was too tired for that to. I just passed out!
Thats what came to my mind last night when I was feeling good about myself. I tried to end the memory but it played and yes I laughed because a piece of dog shit as the cherry to your horrible evening is always funny. Why did I think of that story? I guess my mind put it in there as a reminder. You always have to check yourself no matter whats going on, bad or good. It will add meaning to whatever situation your feeling. Some people say to forget the bad things and put them behind you, I disagree. Keep them close by as a reminder of how quick things could change in your life.
Thank you for reading and for all the support. Without you guys, I wouldn't have much!
By the way, the taping of "Standup Revolution" went great! Gabrial Iglesias is a great man and a great comedian. He remembered all his friends! Sometimes in life, thats what its all about. If he ever comes to your town or to a venue close by please by all means go see him and support because he's one of us! A soldier!
Have a great week! But most importantly..........STAY BLACK!!!