About Me

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I'm a Comedian who loves to write blogs about my past experiences, no matter what they are.

Sunday, August 26, 2012


                                              Whats happening beautiful people? That's it, the last weekend of the Summer is upon us, I hope you enjoyed it because if its up to the Mayans it will be our last one. I never really got caught up in all that shit, its over when its over, what are you going to do? You get up every morning with a smile on your face because it could be your last and you give it everything you got, thats it, fuck the Mayans, religion and whatever else they're trying to sell you.
                                              I was having breakfast with my Uncle a few weeks back and in the middle of a conversation he interupted and told me he was proud of me. He told me that more than anyone, he knew where I came from and what I had gone through and he told me that my Mother would have been proud. I took it as a compliment, considering that this was the same Uncle I tried to rob in 84" and to be honest with you, he's a Valdez from my Mothers side, those motherfuckers never say a nice word about anybody, so I found it amusing.
                                            He asked me what was it that made me change, I told him that I had just gotten sick of living that crazy life so I calmed down but on the drive home I thought about the defining moment that changed my life forever. It wasn't prison or getting beat up or sleeping in my car for a few months that made me change, it was one thing.....claiming responsibility!
                                             As a young child I was spoiled by my Mother, I had a step father that I love and respected, our relationship was great until about the age of 11, then something changed, I never did anything, that was me. Who broke the glass? Who took the change? Who broke the window in the basement? Not me! Weren't you in the basement throwing a ball with your friends? No I wasn't. I never did anything and it killed my step father. He would tell my Mother that the quality would affect later in life but her and I didn't listen and one day he left.
                                           A couple of years later my Mom passed, and I had to shit or get off the pot, there was no time for playing games. I became a man quickly, I was thrown to the wolves and I had responded or so I thought. I was a troubled kid but hey, I was out there solo, eventually I would figure it out. I did great for the circumstances but I couldn't grow as a man, I tried but something was missing.  In 87' I got arrested and before my sentencing they made an appointment with a probation officer that makes evaluations for the court, she said in the transcripts that I would never get in trouble again but after all the interviews that they had conducted that I had not claimed responsibilty for my actions, I thought they wanted me to snitch, if that's what it meant then fuck them.
                                         Once I got inside I asked my councelor, what that meant not claiming responsibilty and he took his glasses off and took a long pause and said that I had been chucking and jiving for years, it was my turn to come to my reality of what I wanted to do. He told me I didn't belong there but I would stay there till I realized what I had done. I thanked him and thought long and hard and I understood what he meant. For years I fucked around on other peoples dime, not that I was a mooch but I'd live on peoples couches but snort blow every night, and then be short on the rent. My friends never cared they loved me for who I was but I was fucking myself.
                                          Eventually one day I said if something goes wrong, its me. Not the guy that didn't pick me up. or the guy who lied about the job, or the alarm not going off, there was always an excuse, when you're a man, theres never an excuse its always on you. I do stand up with comics and when they bomb they blame the people,the number of people, the sound system, the economy, the air conditioning, the comic before them, the Kennedy assasination, the Mars landing.......Get it together, maybe its you, or me, as a matter of fact, I blame me for everything so theres no misunderstandings .If something goes wrong its either something with you or something you let happen, its you!!!!
                                         So if you're stuck in your life and you don't know your next move because of this or that, its not this or that its your fault, take responsibilty, accept it and move on. My step Father Juan would say, kids don't accept responsibility, men do. I didn't become a man till I was 38 years of old but I'm happy I finally did.
                                        Don't forget "Testicle Testaments" at The IceHouse Stage 2 Wednesday night @ 8:30 pm and don't forget Testicle Testament: Crime Stories will be released Friday the 31st on iTunes also, thank you for the support. I also have some NEW dates and T-shirts posted on my Website at WWW.Joeycocodiaz.net
                                            Thank you again for laughing at my stupid jokes and for the love you guys give me.....Have a great week and.....STAY BLACK!

August 29th IceHouse Stage 2 8:30pm 626 577 1894
August 30th Fiamma Italian Restaurant Thousand Oaks 9PM
September 13th-16th Rick Bronsons MINN 952 858 8558
September 20th Madison Wis With Duncan Trusselhttp://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/266991
September 21st Milwaukee Wis With Duncan Trusselhttp://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/267033
September 27th-29th Baltimore Comedy Factory
October 4th Houston Improv
October 5th Dallas Improv
November 1st-4th Ontario Improv
November 8th Chicago HOB
November 15th 17th Scottsdale Arizona
September 21st Milwaukee Wis With Duncan

Monday, August 6, 2012


                          How are you beautiful people? You thought I forgot about you guys but I didn't. I'm getting ready to do a thousand things but today I had dick, so I figured I'd drop a little line on you to tell you whats been going on.
                          As you guys know, I do a podcast with Felicia Michaels called, "Beauty and Da Beast". Its basically her and I talking shit and sometimes we bring in a guest to ruffle up the feathers a little bit. When we started the show, it really didn't have a theme but it soon took on a life of its own and it became a podcast about second chances since we both had very strange lives. Since we're not the traditional types, the guest we attract are the same, crazy motherfuckers with interesting lives.
                           We all have interesting lives because from time to time we struggle with life or our personal demons, how we overcome them and continue to live gives us that second chance. What many people don't know about me is that I was married and had a child after I got out of prison and before I got into comedy. After a while my true colors started to show and like everything else in my life at the time, the marriage fell apart. It was fine, we had both made a mistake but their was a child involved. I made a simple deal with her because I wanted to stay in the childs life. After a few months, she got a boyfriend, I started fucking around and before you knew it we had a situation.
                         The drama escalated and I ended smacking the guy, she took me to court but in the end the only one who suffered was my little girl in the car that day that witnessed the whole thing at the age of 4. I noticed her crying and it hit me, I had seen this type of behavior as a child and between you and I it didn't do a fucking thing for me. Between that situations and many others I decided that for everyones sake I would move to Seattle for a while to give the situation air before it got worst.
                       I would visit every few months but after a while I started to lose her, between me being away and whatever the Mother was telling her, it was starting to show, now I have nothing because we haven't spoken in years.
                    Now thats a great story and all, and I had a great time smacking the guy and acting like a fucking fool but the truth was.....I failed as a Father, period. For years it was my own little secret, but once I came to terms with that, it made my life a lot easier. The pain always remained though, what that meant was that no matter what, I never wanted kids again. Its like having sleep apnea, you choke when you sleep why would you want to sleep?
                  I always thought that God had seen my actions and had taken me off the hook, my wife and I have been together for 12 years and we used birth control for a while but I thought with all the drugs, pills and reefer that my sperm count was dead, well did I get a big surprise a couple of weeks ago when she infomed me that I had knocked her up I almost died.
                 I can't lie to you guys, I've been in hell lately, not because of the child but because of me, can this happen again? Then I started thinking about all the other things I had failed at the first couple times, did I continue? My Father died when I was 3 and for years his friends told me that his last breath must have been hard because I had changed his whole world and he had stepped up. After thinking about that and beating myself up for weeks I came to a conclusion to be the best Father I could be and thats it and I also realized what just happened.....I got a second chance to at something that you only get one shot at.....Being a fucking man!
                Thank you for reading and for all the love and support you've givin me, I'll keep you guys posted! Much love and Stay Black because at the end of the week....Thats all that matters.

Don't forget to go to Joeycocodiaz.net and Beautyanddabeast.com for CD downloads, Documentary info, Club dates, tshirts, explosives. Gorilla Bisquits and more..........

Sunday, July 22, 2012


                     Whats happening you fucking Savages? I'm back bitches!! I try to keep you guys posted but sometimes life becomes an adventure. My wife Terrie is pregnant, I'm on the road, I'm trying to write a book, jokes and keep focused for podcasts and stand up, you only have that much time but fuck it, I'm here. Last week I lost my voice when I got back from the Bay area, I'd like to thank everyone that came out in San Francisco to Cobbs and to The Punchline in Sacramento, you guys were really great.

                    In 1998 I was read about the show, The Vagina Monolouges, I couldn't believe how great of an idea it was. Later that night, in between coke bumps and cocktails, I thought about a show where guys could go up and talk about an experience or situation that helped them become a man. For weeks I thought of a title and a concept and I came up with Testicle Testaments. I'd go up first tell a story then 3 or 4 other guys would go up. I did the first show in The Belly Room at The Comedy Store.
                   After a few months I got great comedians to go up, guys like Raphie May, Jay Mohr, Josh Wolf and Andrew Dice Clay, it was amazing. Here were men telling their most intimate secrets on stage, some were funny and some where sad but you learned things and it made the comics go out of their usual realm, something thats weird but very entertaining. It was a great concept and idea but in those days there wasn't Myspace or Facebook so it was tough to get the word out there so after a few months I had to shut the idea down but I always kept it in the back of my mind and now 14 years later, its back!!!

             For about 3 years now, I've been trying to put together a One Man show that would incorporate every aspect of my life, the drugs, the death, the comedy, the crimes and the crazy stories. If I did it in  order the audience would be there for days, literally. So when I started doing my show at The Icehouse Stage 2, I broke it down into the sections I described and they were still too long. I thought about the concept and it came back to the original Testaments which was to tell the story, explain my state of mind at the time and to breakdown to the audience what I really got out of it and how it affected me in the future.
              All in all, I have about 6 of them ready to go. This last Tuesday, I released the 1st one I recorded, it was the story of my kidnapping the drug dealer. Its called, "The Best and Worst Day of My Life" and its available on iTunes. I'll be releasing one of these every other month. This Wednesday I'm recording the story about my Daughter A-Z and how I turned the pain into Comedy. If your not doing anything, come on by, if not I'll catch you next time.
           Besides that, I've got nothing for you but love. I appreciate all the love you guys give me. I've got a few dates coming up in Nashville, Michigan and Milwaukee as part of The Bleu Cheese Tour. I'll let you know more about them as it gets closer. The downloads on iTunes are only 1.99$, its cheap but you guys deserve it. Thank you again for all the love and remember......Stay Black because in the end of the day, thats the most important thing!!!!

July 25 IceHouse Stage 2...Testicle Testaments 626 577 1894
Aug 15th Zanie's NashVille
Here is the link for Testicle Testaments

Tuesday, June 26, 2012


                    Whats happening beautiful people? Hopefully your all kicking ass getting ready for the journey of heat that is called, the Summer! At this point, hot, cold, humid, I'm just happy to be alive. I went to the East Coast last week and I loved it but that humidity could still suck my dick. By the way if you came to any of the shows in Buffalo or in Long Island at Governors, thank you, from my heart, you guys were dynamite. I loved the people and the attitude at both places. I spoke and smoked reefer with a bunch of Savages. From my seeing my man, Steve Shiavone in Buffalo who I hadn't seen since 87', to my man McKenna, to the dude with the pink shirt and mascarra mustache in Long Island, I loved every minute and you know I'd tell you.......Thank you for coming out and making me feel special.

When I was a kid and my Mother would get a couple of cocktails in her, and she spoke of what she wanted and expected of me, as far as education and career were concered. Her ultimate dream was for me to be an attorney, to handle large criminal cases and to fight for peoples rights then with a wink she would say, and you could represent my friends half price, yes it was a joke but the attorney part wasn't. She spoke of me graduating high school and going into the service then she wanted me to go to college. My Mother was serious about the Armed Forces, it was like she was thanking the Country for letting her in by giving me up.

When I was a Sophmore, my Mother passed. Because my Mother didn't leave a will and because of other problems with her paperwork, I wasn't eligible to recieve Social Security payments for neither my father nor my Mother. I could live with my friends rent free but I still had to live. I had some money I got from my mother's friends and a few moves I had made, but the funds were starting to dry up and I was forced to work, I couldn't depend on them anymore. By July of 81', I had to make a decision, my friends Dad got me a job at Masback Sentry Warehouse as a laborer, it paid like 14$ an hour, it was 82", that was a lot of money, I could get on my feet and get my diploma later but at that moment, I couldn't pass it up. Even though it was a tough one, I chose to quit school. It was against everything I believed in but sometimes you have to roll up your sleeve and get dirty. I was devastated, I would snort and drink till I passed out then because of the pain I was bringing to myself and to the spirit of both my mother and my father, this is definately what they didn't want for me but they weren't here now so here I was.  
I had a plan so I wouldn't feel that bad, I would work there till I turned 18 then I would go work at a company called APA, which was another trucking company that paid a lot more but trained you to be a truck driver, that was the plan when I was 17, to be a truck driver, thank God for reefer! I enjoyed my job at Masback Sentry, I worked early morning hours, I'd get home, workout and I wasn't doing much, since I wasn't going to school, there was no reason to hang with my friends guys, I'd feel embarrassed, like I had let them down, I laid low. I got promoted to a night loader which paid an extra 2 dollars per hour, I was on the path to success, I could load trucks at night and either get another job or go back to school.  About a month into the job, I get sick one night on the dock and get sent home. When I didn't return with a Doctors note I was fired till I produced one pertaining to my ailment, whatever the fuck that meant. A Doctors note was easy in those days, but while I was getting one, I bumped into a teacher named, Fred Terranova, this guy was a fucking beauty, an ex junkie, athlete, who was now a football coach at the high school and a real solid guy to talk to. Anyway, he talked me into going back to. He got a friend of his to do unemployment paperwork since I had been fired now it would get me paid as much as the job I was working so I could go back to High School. I went back in early November so I really didn't miss anything. At the end of the academic year, I was a few credits short and was not alowed to graduate on stage with my friends, but it felt like I hadn't quit, and for me, thats all that mattered.

            I didn't remember quitting high school until a few weeks ago. I thought I would never recover from the pain that brought to my soul. I was numb when I had to make that decision but it was what I had to do at the time, and that was that! As bad as it made me feel it was the first time in my life I had to step up for me, after I did that, it changed my life and it showed me what I had to do, sometimes in life you have to roll up your sleeves! A Fucking defining moment.....I never knew.
          Thank you for reading and for taking this great ride with me. From the #1 CD on iTunes, to the live appearances, to the support on the documentary, now on Amazon.com, I thank you from the bottom of my heart! Don't forget tomorrow night @ 8:30PM IceHouse Stage 2 is proud to present..."Testacle Testaments".....Class of 82" Who took the money? 8:30PM 626 577 1894


July 11th Cobb's SF
July 12TH-16th Punchline SacTown......The Diazbrothers!
August 15th Zanie's Nashville

More Dates to follow! T-Shirts....If its Not Bleu Cheese....Link on the way!

Tuesday, May 8, 2012


                           What the fuck is up? I hope all is going well with you savages. I've been a little busy and its been a little hectic. The Atlanta and the New York City shows were tremendous, thank you again if you came out. I always try to apologize for neglecting the blog of life but sometimes I need to be inspired and what I'm going to tell you really did.
Sometimes we speak when we should keep our mouths shut, thats one of the things that have hurt my career and my life. Sometimes I speak without having a full knowledge or a full understanding of a particular subject, and days after saying it, I get enlighted by mistake, that shit always happens to me.
About a year and a half ago, I was on an episode of the JRE expirience and I said that if I was in a tough situation how many of my friends from Facebook would show up with a gun? I really felt that. For days I got messages from people saying that they were disapponted by my statements, they also told me that they had been fans(A FUCKING WORD I HATE), and that they couldn't believe I felt that way. I was blown away.
                          For years I thought that people that were on computers were Vampires. I felt they had no social life and at any time these were the same people that built bombs and blew up shit. I fucked around on it but I was really scared. I once went to the Underground MMA forum that Joe speaks about and I was petrified. Then I got an idea. I thought if these people were crazy, what the fuck, I'm crazy too. Maybe I'll start posting what really goes on in my head when I'm walking around, my inner text as they call it, thats what I started to do.......The next thing I knew, I had people sending me messages and I knew I had found some friends.
                        Next came our podcast, Beauty and Da Beast, with Felicia Michaels. We sat and spoke for weeks about our podcast and how we wanted to get our life and our mistakes out there and again you motherfuckers responded. I undressed my soul on there and you motherfuckers laughed and cried and at times I couldn't believe I was saying this shit to a bunch of strangers but then it got personal and deeper. We got the podcast to levels we had never dreamed of.
                          Then I got an idea to shoot videos with a bloggie Gabriel Iglesias had givin me about my daily grind. It was called "MadflavorsWorld". No celebrities, no guitars, just my cats, my weed store and some of the dumb shit I do in the day time by myself. I started getting emails that people wanted more,  the places where I grew up and places I robbed so I got an idea one night while I was sitting there watching "Law And Order". I called my main man and Director Lee Syatt and I asked him what did he think if I went online on Twitter and Facebook and got donations for a special MadflavorsWorld documentary about North Bergen, New Jersey the place where I grew up? There was silence then he told me to try it, what did we have to lose? Within days we recieved three thousand dollars in two dollars, five dollar and ten dollar donations, I was really blown away. We got plane tickets, hotel rooms and rented a car and a camera and we went back to Jersey and shot what we could in the time we had. I remember sitting on the plane of the ride back home thinking about the words I had said on that podcast......Boy was I wrong, I did have people online who cared. I remember sitting there feeling like an asshole but knowing what Lee and myself had just shot would make up for my ignorance that day.....Thats why you learn something everyday, if you don't, you're doing something wrong.
             Next week at this time the documentary, "Where I got My Balls From" will  be available on Payloadz.com then on to iTunes just like the CD. The producers of the project(THE DONATERS) will get a link first then a few days later it will be available to everyone else for sale. It's been done but because the new CD went #1 and I thank you again, I didn't want to confuse anyone plus we did a few extra things to give you something special. It will be priced at 5.00 dollars, I'm not in business to hurt nobody. Thank you for all the support you've givin me on all my projects. Like Big Ben Rothwell said in Atlanta, you guys have made me a better comic and a better human being. I have a reason to get up early and get stoned and play music and write things about assholes and pussys that a five year old would write and the reason is you guys, why take things so seriously in the AM, lets giggle together.....Thank you again for reading!
  This week Friday and Saturday I'm at The Comedy Spot in Scottsdale 480 945 4422
 Thursday May 17th The Woodlands in Columbus 2 Shows
  Friday May 18th The Grog Shop Clevland
 Saturday May 19th Mullens in Pittsburgh
All tickets for the above shows are on brownpapertickets.com

Have a great week and remember to stay Black!


Monday, April 9, 2012


                                        Whats happening beautiful people? I really wanted to write something after Miami but when I returned for some crazy reason or another my leg swole up under my knee and it was a real scare. We went to the hospital because I thought I had a blood clot after the long flight but it turned out to be blood behind the kneecap or something of that nature, the swelling is going down and it will be back to normal in a few days. I need to have my leg elevated so while I'm sittig here like a momo, I might as well write something.
                                          As you may know, I went to Miami last weekend to do Comedy at The Improv in Coconut Grove, it had been the first time I had performed down there in 3 years. I was excited. I'm Cuban but I'm not from Miami, I went down there a lot while I was growing up because as all Cubans, I have family down there. I can't really say the people I went to visit were family though, my mother had baptized their daughter, in The Cuban culture thats a big thing, so we were like family because I loved them very much. They were the Castrillions, Rudolpho, Vivian and the kids.
                                        My Father had known Rodolpho from Cuba, after they migrated to the States, their relationship grew. My Father was a Club and Restaurant owner but his real business was bookmaking of Bolita( A Spanish Lottery based off the last 3 numbers of the total earnings at the local horse track). Rodolpho was a savy construction guy, who was involved with other things that I didn't know about. Whenever I went down to visit, he would always turn his world around for me, they both would. Vivian was a former Teacher in Cuba who always stressed education, even when you were on vacation from School, she'd still make you read and do math problems for a few hours every day. I would usually go down to visit them in mid July and I would stay till mid August every year since I could remember.
                             The kids were great, Jaqueline, Rudy and Gina were their names with Jaqui being the oldest but younger than me by 2 years. I would play with them all day long, we did everything, from ride our bikes to swim to catch lizards, those were things you didn't do in the City, so I loved it! At night we'd watch TV and crack jokes and giggle, when it was time for bed everyone would go to there rooms and I would hang with Rodolpho. We would talk about life and school and sports but after he'd have a few drinks the conversation would always go back to a subject he love to speak about, my father, Manolo.
                         He would tell me stories about them growing up in Cuba and their struggles and how they both went from broke kids to making tons of dough then he would tell me about my Fathers dreams of the future but also the dreams that he had for me, how we wanted me to go into the service and become a soldier than go to law school to be an attorney so I could represent all his criminal friends, he'd tell me that then he'd giggle, I could never figure why. Then he'd end the conversation with how much he missed my father and he would break down and cry, it was surreal, but the comment about protecting his criminal buddies would always make me think.
                         My father passed when I was 3 years old. I had read all the newspaper articles about his death and how he had died suddenly at the age of 37 from a heart attack and how he had left behind a son and a daughter in Cuba and all the shit they write in those things. One night when I was aboout 11, Rudolpho and I were having one of our conversations and he broke down unexpectedly, it usually took a couple of stories to get him going like this, he looked at me and said that he could've saved my father. I asked him what he was talking about. He went into a story about the last night of my fathers life how they were all partying doing blow and drinking and having a good time and he said that at about 1AM he went home because he had a meeting in the morning and he could'nt get fucked up.
                      They kept telling him he could'nt leave but he had to go, he said they busted his balls all the way till he shut his car door, he said my mother was the leader of the don't go brigade, but he had to do what he had to do. He said he went home and fell asleep and within minutes the phone was ringing, it was my mother crying telling Rudolpho to get back that something was wrong with Manny. He told my mother to stop fucking around that he had to get up and he hung up. The phone kept ringing and he would'nt pick it up. Finally he said that the phone didn't stop and that finally he got up to answer and yell and it was a different friend telling him that he had to get down there that there had been a problem.
                  He said he sped down there but when he arrived they were putting Manny in the ambulance, he wasn't dead but he had slipped into a coma. My mother was also sick he said but she was ok by the time they had arrived at the hospital. Within an hour bad news came, Manny had passed. He said he was heartbroken. He and Vivian helped my mom get everything together. They even accompanied the body all the way to Cuba with my mother. He said he was always heart broken about that night, then he lowered his head and told me why.
              They were celebrating some big drug deal they had made, something I didn't know about at that age. Besides the numbers game,  my Father was also involved with heroin in the 50's and 60's. He partnered up with some Jewish kids from the lower East Side that he had met as a young kid when he came from Cuba way before he had met my mother. They sold Heroin in the Urban areas and my Father was the front man because he knew the language, in those days the races only dealt with one another, from there he got into the numbers business because the Italians could'nt do numbers in Spanish Harlem either.
            At the party they were passing around blow freely but someone had pure Heroin in the same aluminum foil that the coke was being passed around in. When it came to my Father he did a big blast, he passed it to my Mom but she only did a little bump. My father immediately started puking and going into convulsions, my mother just puked, she didn't have enough in her system. At this point people started panicking and thats when Rodolpho got the call, he thought it was a hoax, it wasn't, in his mind he felt that if he had come back immediately when he had gotten the call, he could have saved my father, he lived with that.
       A few years later Rudolpho got pinched for drugs and a few years after that, my mother died, that was 79'. In 84', I'm having dinner at this Cuban place in Jersey, when this guy approaches me and tell me that Rudolpho is a friend of his and that he's been looking for me. I almost shit, he's out? I asked in Spanish and the guy said yes, and tha he wanted to see me asap. He gave me his number and I called right away. When he answered, we both cried. At the time, I was going through hell. I had been out there alone for 5 years, I needed someone, he was my saviour. Finally I could rest, I had a family, I can move to Miami and start my life. I went down and it was great, I was making plans to move down immediately but I started thinking, why go back empty? This is Miami, while I'm getting organized I'll make a few grand for the move, so on my visits down there, I became Johnny Dealer. I hooked up with a guy that would give me a few ounces on the arm and I started my career as a smuggler. I thought I was Miami Vice!
              This went on for a few months then I got sloppy, I started making calls from the house and it didn't take long for Rudolpho to figure out what I was doing. He sat me down and told me Vivian had found out and I had to leave. I was furious! How can you do this to me, I'm just trying to put together a few moves, hell you did it! He told me to pack ad get out. I had some dough but not enough for the cab ride. I asked him for money and he told me he didn't want to talk to me again. I was so hurt. I didn't know what to do. How was I going to get home? I went in Rodolpho's room looking for cash, there was none but there was a gold watch, I clipped it and went to a pawn shop, got cash on the watch and left. My plan was to return the next day, get the watch out give it to Rudy to sneak back in and move on with my life.....Wrong!
             I got a call the next day from Rodolpho telling me he knew about the watch and what a piece of shit I was. I hung up on him, at that point in my life, I had done alot of bad things, but this was bad. I immediately drowned my sorrows with Cocaine and never thought about that day again until I was locked up in a cell years later. When I got out I was on a mission to get them both on the phone and apologize for what I had done. By that time everything had changed, their number, their address, everything, I didn't know how to reach them. I did everything I could do to feel better about what I had done. I even named my daughter Jaqueline because I knew how fond my mother was of Jackie.
         I've been going to Miami since 98' for comedy and everytime I was down there, I'd look in every yellow page, white page, I'd call information but nothing. The last time I was down there,  I did everything I could then a friend suggessted Facebook. I punched in the name on the keyboard closed my eyes and when I opened there was my long lost Jaquelline! I contacted her immediately and I waited. She got back to me but she was not as enthusiastic as I was about finding her.We sent  messages back and forth but I felt we hadn't really connected or they were still mad at me. I kept an open mind.
         The week before I went to Miami, I contacted her to tell her and her sister that I was coming, I heard nothing. When I got to Miami I checked my facebook and she replied that she'd try to come on Friday, I left tickets but they never showed, I wrote it off and told myself to move on that I would see them in the next life, I was a little sad. Saturday early show I'm sitting outside and before my eyes I see my cousin walk up with her daughter and her sister my other cousin Gina, I could'nt believe it. I hugged them both and while I'm standing there looking at them my life flashed before my eyes, these were the same girls I had grown up with over 40 years ago, and for a minute I felt the warmth that my life had before my mother passed and finally I got a chance to look them both in the eye and say, I'm sorry for what I did. They both looked at me smiled and said not to worry about it that we were family and things happen.
          I didn't even sleep that night from the excitement, even if I never see them again I got to say what I had to say, now I can move on. Rodolpho died in 2002 and Vivian is still alive living in a retirement community,  I'll see her next time but for now, I'm happy! Sometimes I'm sorry is a bigger word than you think.  Thank you for reading!!!!
          Thank you for all the support on my New CD, "Its Either you or The Priest". Its still on Payloadz.com but its also on preorder on iTunes with the official release being this Friday the 13th!
The documentary is fucking Beautiful and it should also be ready by Friday......Lee is doing a great job..........Details coming soon!
        I'll be in Atlanta next week with Joe for his Taping. I'll be at The IceHouse on the Wednesday April 25th for another episode of "Stories"........The Drug ones.......Acid, THC Crystal, Gorilla bisquits, Cocaine, heroin and more.....626 577 1894! I'll be at The MBar in Hollywood Saturday the 27th for The Art's a Joke @ 10pm Tickets are @Brownpapertickets.com

           Thank you guys for everything you do for me.......See you next week! Much love and Stay Black!

Monday, March 19, 2012


                              Whats happening beautiful people? One more day and its Spring, fuck that, in some parts of the Country that means a lot of fucking snow, like in Colorado for example, one minute the birds are chirping the next minute the sky is falling and there's pinguins running around, my point? Who the fuck knows I just got back from a long walk, Yoga, and I'm stoned to the gills.

                              What many people don't know about me is that in 84' when I was young and confused a took a 2 week course at The American Bartending Institute in New York. Yes I fell for the dream, booze, bitches a cash register full of twentys and a dealer in the bathroom, good times right? Fuck no! I had learned to bartend at my Mom's bar as a kid but it was tough to use that as a reference. My first job mixing drinks was great, it was a Union gig and everyone stole except I got caught and fired. The Institue promises lifetime placement, so I went down there and they would get me these entry level gigs that meant you got shitty shifts, like a Saturday and Sunday afternoon or a slow night, shifts nobody else wanted.
                          In 85', I was living in New Jesey, but I was about to move to Colorado and start from scratch. I was looking for a job for a few months so I could have a reference when I moved. I called the School and they told me there was a gig open at some country club in Northern New Jersey which was close to where I was living at the time, perfect. I go down there and get hired part time but I could also work the special parties. At the time I'm also Cocaine free and I was almost crime free. I had stopped the January before and believe it or not, I was doing quite fine with it, I was really trying to get things together.
                       I work a few shifts and as usual it wasn't a money maker but I was determined to stick it out. I'm there about 2 weeks everything is going great and I get asked to work a party, a Bar Mitzvah to be specific. The people I had worked with were all pretty straight laced so I pretty much kept my mouth shut, they were the regular employees but the shift I worked for the party was buck wild. They were in College and we were all about the same age. If I remember correctly, it was an Italian chic from Bayonne and a couple of black dudes from Englewood and a Jewish guy from the suburbs who out of all of them was the craziest and the coolest. He was smoking dope while we he was working with his Yamakuh on!
                      This Jewish kid was working behind the bar with me and I noticed that the kids parents kept giving him bundles of gifts and envelopes to put in the back office. After a few minutes, the Italian chic comes over and ask why were they giving him that stuff to put in the back. He told her that there was probably cash in the envelopes and they didn't want them out in the open. The girl was like, fuck that! She was complaining that the guest weren't tipping her so she was taking dough out of the envelopes. By this time, the 2 brothers from Englewood are in on it, the Jewish kid said it was bad luck but he was in for a taste. One by one they went back there, I stood there in shock! For the first time in a long time, I was really trying to get my life together. The Christmas before, I had spent it sleeping in hallways and on couches and I was sick of it. I was sick of the drugs and the bullshit and this was the beginning of it,  now these kids are robbing a Bar Mitvah, how the fuck this always happen when I'm around. This was the kind of shit I would bump into on a regular basis. I made up my mind not to go to that back office, I was broke at the time but so what, I wanted to live my life straight.
                 All of a sudden the one Brother comes out and says, there's a bunch of cash back there, you better go back there and get you some! I said fuck it! I walk in and these animals are taking ALL the cash out of the envelopes, there were thousands of dollars. I stopped them and told them they'd notice the cash gone, to just take a little bit from each envelope but to hit all the envelopes not just a few of them. Finally, I started taking 20$ and 50$ like a motherfucker. Once we hit like a grand a piece, we stopped and between us, there was a bunch of loot left. We're all doing shots celebrating, I couldn't believe it. I remember leaving that night and feeling terrible about myself but at that time, thats who I was, a common thief.

               I went back the following week for my shift and the regular waiters were talking about it. They were asking, Who would do such a thing? They knew it was the staff that had worked that night. They asked me questions and said the police would get involved. I finished my shift and never went back. I never felt good about that one, a kids Bar Mitzvah money? Thats cold blooded,  but it was a hell of a party though!

             Those are the kind of stories that pop in my head from time to time and I want to shoot myself but its done. It was a long time ago, and we've come along way. I wonder about the people that were my accomplices on that day, do they still remember the day? Do they feel as bad as I felt? Twenty years ago, I felt bad but you got to ask yourself, who the fuck knocks off a Bar Mitvah? Nobody's never even thought of that one.
             I hope you enjoyed my Monday afternoon story, its fucked up, but its my life, what can you do? Anyway if you want to hear more fucked up criminal stories, this ain't nothing, come to The IceHouse Stage 2 on Thursday March 22nd @ 8:30.  626 577 1894 Get tickets this place always sells out!
             The documentary will be released Monday April 2nd and I'll be @ The Miami Improv March 29th-31st 305 441 8200. Besides that, have a great week, a good Spring Day but most importantly......Stay Black!