About Me

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I'm a Comedian who loves to write blogs about my past experiences, no matter what they are.

Monday, March 19, 2012


                              Whats happening beautiful people? One more day and its Spring, fuck that, in some parts of the Country that means a lot of fucking snow, like in Colorado for example, one minute the birds are chirping the next minute the sky is falling and there's pinguins running around, my point? Who the fuck knows I just got back from a long walk, Yoga, and I'm stoned to the gills.

                              What many people don't know about me is that in 84' when I was young and confused a took a 2 week course at The American Bartending Institute in New York. Yes I fell for the dream, booze, bitches a cash register full of twentys and a dealer in the bathroom, good times right? Fuck no! I had learned to bartend at my Mom's bar as a kid but it was tough to use that as a reference. My first job mixing drinks was great, it was a Union gig and everyone stole except I got caught and fired. The Institue promises lifetime placement, so I went down there and they would get me these entry level gigs that meant you got shitty shifts, like a Saturday and Sunday afternoon or a slow night, shifts nobody else wanted.
                          In 85', I was living in New Jesey, but I was about to move to Colorado and start from scratch. I was looking for a job for a few months so I could have a reference when I moved. I called the School and they told me there was a gig open at some country club in Northern New Jersey which was close to where I was living at the time, perfect. I go down there and get hired part time but I could also work the special parties. At the time I'm also Cocaine free and I was almost crime free. I had stopped the January before and believe it or not, I was doing quite fine with it, I was really trying to get things together.
                       I work a few shifts and as usual it wasn't a money maker but I was determined to stick it out. I'm there about 2 weeks everything is going great and I get asked to work a party, a Bar Mitzvah to be specific. The people I had worked with were all pretty straight laced so I pretty much kept my mouth shut, they were the regular employees but the shift I worked for the party was buck wild. They were in College and we were all about the same age. If I remember correctly, it was an Italian chic from Bayonne and a couple of black dudes from Englewood and a Jewish guy from the suburbs who out of all of them was the craziest and the coolest. He was smoking dope while we he was working with his Yamakuh on!
                      This Jewish kid was working behind the bar with me and I noticed that the kids parents kept giving him bundles of gifts and envelopes to put in the back office. After a few minutes, the Italian chic comes over and ask why were they giving him that stuff to put in the back. He told her that there was probably cash in the envelopes and they didn't want them out in the open. The girl was like, fuck that! She was complaining that the guest weren't tipping her so she was taking dough out of the envelopes. By this time, the 2 brothers from Englewood are in on it, the Jewish kid said it was bad luck but he was in for a taste. One by one they went back there, I stood there in shock! For the first time in a long time, I was really trying to get my life together. The Christmas before, I had spent it sleeping in hallways and on couches and I was sick of it. I was sick of the drugs and the bullshit and this was the beginning of it,  now these kids are robbing a Bar Mitvah, how the fuck this always happen when I'm around. This was the kind of shit I would bump into on a regular basis. I made up my mind not to go to that back office, I was broke at the time but so what, I wanted to live my life straight.
                 All of a sudden the one Brother comes out and says, there's a bunch of cash back there, you better go back there and get you some! I said fuck it! I walk in and these animals are taking ALL the cash out of the envelopes, there were thousands of dollars. I stopped them and told them they'd notice the cash gone, to just take a little bit from each envelope but to hit all the envelopes not just a few of them. Finally, I started taking 20$ and 50$ like a motherfucker. Once we hit like a grand a piece, we stopped and between us, there was a bunch of loot left. We're all doing shots celebrating, I couldn't believe it. I remember leaving that night and feeling terrible about myself but at that time, thats who I was, a common thief.

               I went back the following week for my shift and the regular waiters were talking about it. They were asking, Who would do such a thing? They knew it was the staff that had worked that night. They asked me questions and said the police would get involved. I finished my shift and never went back. I never felt good about that one, a kids Bar Mitzvah money? Thats cold blooded,  but it was a hell of a party though!

             Those are the kind of stories that pop in my head from time to time and I want to shoot myself but its done. It was a long time ago, and we've come along way. I wonder about the people that were my accomplices on that day, do they still remember the day? Do they feel as bad as I felt? Twenty years ago, I felt bad but you got to ask yourself, who the fuck knocks off a Bar Mitvah? Nobody's never even thought of that one.
             I hope you enjoyed my Monday afternoon story, its fucked up, but its my life, what can you do? Anyway if you want to hear more fucked up criminal stories, this ain't nothing, come to The IceHouse Stage 2 on Thursday March 22nd @ 8:30.  626 577 1894 Get tickets this place always sells out!
             The documentary will be released Monday April 2nd and I'll be @ The Miami Improv March 29th-31st 305 441 8200. Besides that, have a great week, a good Spring Day but most importantly......Stay Black!

Thursday, March 15, 2012


                   What's happening beautiful people? Hope your having a great week so far and I hope your preparing yourself for St. Patty's Day. I was never a big St.Patty's type of guy, I love the Irish, I've just never been a big drinker so its never worked for me. I could only drink after a couple of bumps and its not cool to bump while the sun is out, thats always a disaster. I can't wait till we celebrate a Saint thats responsible for reefer, I'll be there at 7AM, rolling bones with 2 crosses on!

                   As you guys know, when I was younger, I was a bit of a criminal. By the age of 20, I had been involved in some crazy stuff and people would always approach me with a scam from time to time. I had a friend named Heavy Sy, that was a phony insurance type guy. He would set up accidents, then take you to an Attorney who was in on it along with the Doctors and the Chiropractors. One day Sy came up to me and told me that he had a score. I asked what type? He tells me all I have to do is fall and he would take care of the rest. One night, I tell him I'm ready and he picks me up and takes me to the front of a Sporting good store where there was a small crack in the sidewalk. He tells me to walk up to the crack, trip and fall in case they hit you with a lie detector test, lie detector test? He laughs and I fall.
                 I get up and we go to some hospital, he pulls over and lets me out a half a block before the emergency room, he tells me that he can't be seen at the hospital, and that they had cameras, he told me when I was finished, the nurses would call him and he'd pick me up. On the way home that night after the hospital took x-rays and smiled, he told me he would meet me the next day to take me to see my new Attorney, I told him no problem.
                 The next day we meet the Attorney and he tells me the strategy, you go to the Chiropractor everyday and you make all your Doctor appointments, keep your mouth shut do what they tell you and in a year, you'll get a nice payday, everytime you go to a Doctors visit, its like punching in at the factory, the higher the hospital and Doctors bills were, multiply that by 10 and hopefully, thats what your check will be.

                 At the time, I was just hustling and part of my hustle was to get to all of my meetings on a daily basis. About 5 months into it, I get stupid one day and decide to clip the Chiropractor's check book, I give it to a friend and he gets caught pushing the checks in New York City. I didn't know if they had my name, so I decided to stop going to this particular Doctor from the embarrasment.
                A few months later, I get caught up in some shit and I decide to take off to Colorado were I forget about the whole deal with the Doctors and the Lawyers. About a year later, I move back to Jersey and on a coke binge I bump into Heavy Sy and he tells me that the Attorney had a check for me in his desk. The next day I contact the guy and he tells me that he had the check but he had to send it back to the insurance company because he had never heard back from me, but if I came in and did the paperwork, he would have them cut me a check in 10 days. After about 2 weeks, the guy contacts me and ask me to come down and pick it up, when I get there, I shake his hand and he passes me my Do-Re-Me! I go outside, open the envelope and the number on the check is, 18,223.00! Eighteen Grand! I have my friends Dad cash the check and I took off to Colorado and never thought twice about it, the date was June 26th 1985.

           In August of 88', I was sentenced to serve 6 years in prison for Kidnapping, Burglary and Aggravated Robbery, it wasn't as bad as it sounds, it was really a drug rip gone bad. Since it was my first offense and my Attorney(not the same swindler from Jersey) plea bargained it down to a non violent crime, I got to a halfway house by February of 90' and I got released from there in February of 91', all together, my little fuck up had cost me about 2 1/2 years of my life, not bad because in my heart, I thought I was going to go away for about 6 years, my first real plea bargain was 9, so I just sat there and smiled.
           Then another thought came into my mind, the true cash cost of the case, I netted about 18,500 from the powder I had stolen, not bad. When I sat down and added up the Attorney bills, what the private investigator cost and the different specialist that we had to pay to testify, do you know what the final number was? 18,320.00!!!! I thought about the number and for some reason it rang a bell, oh my God, what did I get for that settlement? 18,220! I sat there and just immediately got the chills, life had sent me a reciept, not to mention, I also lost 3 years of my life, I sat back and decided that the time I served was for all my other sins and between you and I, that was the moment that I found out that life was a motherfucker and I also found out that Karma was real, I was happy because for the first time in my life, I was free. I had paid my debt to society but I had also paid my debts to life, which in a way, was a bigger debt than the one to society because thats the one that earns you a shot at a second chance, don't get me wrong, I continued to fuck around for a few more years, I just watched what I did a little closer because I knew that now, I would pay for everything I did from that moment on.

                Thank you for reading and for understanding where the fuck I'm coming from. I also want to take this moment and apologize because I'm going to have to push back the release of the documentary until Monday, April 2nd. We have 6 hours of North Bergen footage, 2 hours of One Man show footage from The IceHouse, and 2 hours of sit down interviews with myself and other people. Lee (The Director from Isreal) has a previous project that he's involved with in the day time, and the night time is the only time he really has, we'll be getting together this weekend to look over what he has and who knows, it might go out early but we want to give you something we'll be proud of. We are also planning on a screening/comedy show/smokeout for sometime in late April for all the supporters of our film, thank you for understanding.

            If you liked my little story, make sure you come out to The IceHouse for "Stories" the Criminal ones on Thursday March 22nd @ 8:30PM 626 577 1894. I'll also be @ The Miami Improv March 29th -31st 305 441 8200. The New CD is not on iTunes yet but its Still #1 on Payloadz.com and its still 5 Beans$!!!! Besides that, thank you for ALL the support and the love, see you soon and remember....Stay Black because at the end of the week, thats the most important thing!

Wednesday, March 7, 2012


                                         What's happening beautiful people? Its March 7th, the year is flying. I'm sorry I haven't written in a while but with the surgery and The Xmas movie, I've been a little tied up but I'm back. The knee is doing great! Thank you for all the kind thoughts, all I have to say is modern medicine is a motherfucker!
                                          Sometimes in life we get stuck or fall behind and someone says something and we take it the wrong way and get mad, I think they call it, calling someone out, some people could deal with it, and others can't, even when someone is telling us the truth. The reason I'm bringing this up is the other day I was thinking about my life and the things that woke me up. It wasn't prison or the birth of my child, it was a talk a had with an aquaitance that changed everything, it wasn't pretty at the time but it hit home.
                                         It was January of 95', I was trying to cut my teeth in Comedy. At the time the only real open mike we had in Denver was at The Comedy Works on Tuesday night. They would put up amatuer comics like myself and towards the end of the lineup, they would throw up a pro. For months one of the comics that showed up was a guy named, Matt Woods. He wasn't a household name at the time but he had been around and his claim to fame was that he helped Roseanne Barr in her early days as a writer. He was now working with the club to help the young guys write and what not so the club could have their own homegrown headliners, it was a great idea.
                                          I was going through a nasty divorce plus I was working as an sports handicapper plus I was trying to do comedy, not really I was learning about comedy. Lets face it,  I was funny from the very beginning just being me but I had no structure and even then I would smoke all the guys he was working with. On Tuesdays before the open mike, he would have writing sessions at his house that I couldn't attend because I wouldn't get out of work till 6pm and then I'd still have to take a bus to Denver, in reality I didn't really want to be there anyway, I was too busy lining up my coke for the night, and I thought he really couldn't help me anyway, who was he anyway? He wasn't on TV, fuck him.
                                       At the time I was putting a 50% effort into it like everything else in my life except snorting, that I gave my all. I was a hard worker but my heart was never into anything because deep down I thought I was a waste, why would I put an effort into anything if I'm going to end up in jail anyway, that was my thinking. I would always get a spot on Tuesday, but sometimes I wouldn't show and I would call with a half ass excuse and even when I'd show, I wouldn't be prepared but some way or another I would end up shining, it was weird.
                                     One particular Tuesday night, I went down there with the same attitude and I had a 50-50 set. I'm sitting at the bar talking shit when Matt Woods approaches me, he smiles and ask if he could have a word in private, I say sure and we go to a table and sit. The first thing he ask is, Why are you doing this? I answer him, I want to be a comedian, he tells me, no you don't, your just killing time, I just looked at him. Matt was a big guy and he was getting serious, at the time I was going through a lot and I really wasn't stable, he continued to tell me how I was the funniest guy down there without even trying but that I was wasting my time. He told me to look at myself, I said what? I had a t-shirt on that was wrinkled, and dirty jeans and my nose leaking, I was a fucking mess. He told me that if I decided to put effort into this that I would be a star but that I didn't want to do that, that I wanted to be a bum, by that point my fist were clenching, and there was more. He asked me about cancelling spots and how someone else who wants to do comedy is missing out on a set because I'm signing up then cancelling, he told me to not come back till I thought about what he told me, just as I was getting up to slap the motherfucker, he told me that I probably wanted to punch him but to think about what he told me because if I put my mind to it, I'd be one of the greats. It took everything I had from smacking the guy. He shook my hand and asked me if I wanted another drink, then he said that maybe I should try my hand at bartending because it didn't take any commitment. I turned the drink down and under my breath I told him to stink the drink up his mother's ass and I walked to the bus station.
                                        On the walk, I kept thinking about how I was going to kill this motherfucker and I also thought about the way he had spoken to me. At the time I had 2 felonies in Colordo, a 3rd one would put me in the slammer for a while but I still thought about how I didn't stick up for myself, then on the bus ride it came to me, why I was so mad, he had told me the truth. He didn't lie about anything, it was like he had a crystal ball, for days I sat there steaming, but that did me no good. These things he said, I had known so I took his advice.
                                       I bought a notebook, I did as many spots as I could do and I stopped cancelling and I also found a new sort of peace, the answers to life I was looking for were answered by him setting me straight. I thought about putting my anger aside for Matt and thanking him for the advice but I never saw him at The Club after that. Then one day I got a call that I was banned from the club for sexual harrasment. I decided to move to Seattle and work on my game, after 18 months I decided on Los Angeles, I was ready. I'm in L.A. doing spots around town. One night I'm at the Brave Bull, a room run by my friend Rudy Moreno at the time. I'm up 3rd after this big time old school comic, his name slips my mind. The guy goes up there and destroys! There I am having to follow this guy and the fear rolls in, I'm looking for the exit but by then Rudy comes up to me and tells me I'm next and that he's bringing me right up, my stomach is in knots, I can't follow this guy!

                                      I go on stage and Bang! I decide to go off! I'm up there in my zone, I destroy for 15 minutes, I get off and a bunch of people are there shaking my hand and what not and there in the shadows was Matt Woods with a smile from ear to ear, we hugged and he said, my talk really helped you. We looked at each other and we both had tears in our eyes because we both understood what had happened, he provoked my ego something that is very painfull, but it worked. I told him that he didn't know how close he came to dying after that and he answered, he knew. Today I'm glad he called me out.
                                     Its like that story about you trying to open a jar and you can't then your Grandma comes along and opens it just like that. It took a stranger of sorts to change my life for the better, here I was around people I knew for years and it took this guy to read me the riot act and change my attitude towards the way I looked at things. People always write me emails about how the podcast helps them with different situations in there life, after I thought about this story, I understood.

                                    Thank you for reading and for understanding where the fuck I'm coming from. Thank you to all that showed up @ The IceHouse Stage 2 on Wednesday night for The One Man Show, "Stories" about North Bergen to finish the Documentary which should be out March 17th, we got our footage, thank you again for all the donations and all the support. I also want to thank the Director, Lee Syatt from Isreal and my man Manny for helping me put this thing together. I'm doing another "Stories" segment( not the same stories, this time, Criminal ones) @ The IceHouse Stage 2, Thursday March 22nd @ 8:30pm get your tickets because these shows will sell out...626 577 1894
                                    The new CD, "It's Either You Or The Priest" is still #1 on Payloadz.com thanks to you guys, its still 5$, when it goes on iTunes it will be more so don't come crying to me later.
Besides that, thank you again for all the hope you ball lickers bring into my life, see you soon.........................STAY BLACK!!!!