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I'm a Comedian who loves to write blogs about my past experiences, no matter what they are.

Thursday, December 29, 2011


                             What's happening you filthy animals? Hope all is well and your ready for the New Year. Remember, Saturday night is not only the end of the year but its also Knucklehead Central! Every fucking idiot comes out to party and goes home with stitches. How do I know? Thirty years ago, I was one of those fucking idiots, and I saw some bad shit and one night I got the shit knocked out of me so please, be careful, I need you cocksuckers around for 2012, when this party either stops or it ends.
                             Last Sunday night, Xmas day. Felicia Micheals and her two young boys accompanied me to The Ontario Improv to watch Gabriel Iglesias perform. Felicia approached me about two weeks ago and asked that when I attend Gabriel's yearly Xmas party to do her a favor and get his autograph for her boys that they were fans.
                            When I arrived at the bash I saw a lot of old friends and after a while I bumped into Gabriel and I thanked him for inviting me and also for what he did for me by putting me on his show. In mid conversation I remembered Felicia's request and I asked him for the autographs, I told him that they were big fans which the kids really are, Felicia told me that they were reciting his jokes and his noise effects. As we were looking for something to sign he said to me, I've got one better. Why don't you bring them to my show in L.A. on the 30th of December and I'll let them come back stage and get Cd's and shirts and stuff? I told them they'd be out of town but why didn't I bring them down to the Xmas day show. I ran it by Felicia and it worked so we went down as agreed.
                            We got there and within minutes, Gabriel showed up. The place was packed. After the show started, I asked Gabe if I could bring them back now. He said yes so I went and got the boys with Felicia. They were excited. They took pictures and met the other guys, it was great. We waited till Gabe went up on stage and caught his first half hour, it was amazing. I kept watching the boys for there reactions to the jokes, they were loving it. I mean, there on stage was their favorite comic. I felt so happy for what I was watching. These guys were really having a fun. Then I thought, its Xmas day, did I ever do anything like this at that age. The older boy is 12. What did I do for Xmas when I was 12? I couldn't remember. Then I thought to myself 13? What did I do for Xmas for entertainment that particular year?
                          I was in the 8th grade at McKinley School in North Bergen New Jersey. One of my teachers that year was a cool motherfucker named Wally Lindsey. He was our math teacher but he also doubled as the Mayor of Weehawken, New Jersey. That the town you see when Tony Soprano's car is coming out of the Lincoln Tunnel and its going around the ramp. Anyway, Mayor's usually have suit wearing, College educated guys around them giving them advice and what not and one guy to do his dirty work, Mr. Lindsey's guy was a man by the name of "Turk Jordan". I have no idea what his first name was and I didn't give a shit. He wasn't a big guy or a flashy guy but I knew because of the way I had grown up that this guy had seen some action. Weehawken, at the time was quiet in a way but rough and tumble type place which has some fucked up bars that border the Hudson River. I went to a few of the bars in the area to cop in the early eighties and they weren't fucking around in there. It was just a dark place.
                     Mr. Lindsey did a lot of good things for us. He really liked me and he knew that the kids I hung out with and myself loved basketball. One way or another he found out that a few of us were looking for tickets for Xmas day when the Philadelphia 76's with Dr.J,  played the Knicks with Bernard King. It was going to be great. I didn't get high at the time, I was still in my athletic phase and the kids I was going to the game didn't get high either. Anyway, he suggested that we talk to Turk because he knew certain people that could get him tickets. With that, I contacted Turk and told him about my dillema. He said no problem, he was going to the game anyway so we could ride with him, it was great. We had met him at a couple of school functions with Mr. Lindsey, and he always seemed cool.
                    Xmas day had finally arrived. I didn't give a fuck about Santa! I was going to see Dr.J! I call Turk bright and early, you know me, I get no answer. An hour later, I try again, and again and nothing. At 5:30PM, my phone rings, its Turk. He said he had a problem with his car, that he was going to meet his friend for the tickets in front of the Garden at 7:00PM, to meet him there. I call Chucky Mac and Whitey O'Donnel and tell them both the situation. Whitey's Grandpa will drive us. We decide on who's going to bring what, a shirt to get signed, a basketball, a picture or poster, that type of shit, we're 13. I do remember that even at 13, we put in like a five time bet to split which was 25 dollars to win or 30 dollars to lose between Whitey and myself.
                      The whole ride we're super excited, we're yelling about dunks and shots and who's going to guard who. We get there and we see Turk shaking his head. We ask him what's the problem? He tells us his friend didn't show up but that he knew another guy that would let us in for 10 dollars a head then we were on our own. We looked at each other and thought, fuck it, we'll get a seat. We walk up to the doors, Turk knocks, and an old white guy comes out and tells us the deal. We give him the cash and we all start running in like a bunch of mo-mo's with our parka's hoods over our heads and whatever bullshit things we were going to get signed under our arms.
                    We walk in and Turk knows the drill. He says we can't sit on the floor because people will come and we would get thrown out. He took us to the third level of the place which at the time was pretty empty and we found a row where we could all sit together. The game starts, and nobody shows and we got the row to ourselves. The second quarter starts and thats when the drama started and we got to see the real Turk in action.
                     Some nice white suburban family decides to sit next to us. Before the game starts he tells us that he bet like 5 grand on the game. I can't remember who he picked but they came out strong. He was already talking about taking us for steaks after the game. After a few minutes, his team starts to lose and he starts yelling, Nigger this, and you cocksucker that, and that white family is turning purple so are the two kids I'm with, I'm a little embarrased but I was a use to it. As a child I went to Met games with my mother and it was just as bad, not the racial slurs but the yelling and cursing, it was terrible.
                     The Father must have had a problem with his bladder because he kept getting up to go to the bathroom. After the third get up Turk told him to go to the YMCA because he could've gotten more exercise. Then he motherfucked the guy and called him a schlep rock because he was loosing. He told the guy his family was bad luck, they got into a pushing match but security came and broke it up and put the family in a different section. I almost forgot the main component to this story, it didn't matter that Turk was a little drunk or that he was cursing or being of obnoxious what really got me about all this was that he wore the worst tupee you had ever seen in your life. If I had something like that on my head, I wouldn't say a peep!
                   Not this guy. At half time he tells us he's going for a walk because he saw better seats that were open. We get to the red level which was I think the second level above the floor seats. We find a few chairs and we sit. He's loosing going into half time and he's still fuming. The 3rd quarter starts and he's yelling and screaming, finally security comes over and taps him on the shoulder and tells him to calm down, so what does Turk do? He makes a big deal about the guy touching him and his Amendments and what not. By this point of the night, Chucky and Whitey head's looked like they were about to explode. Again they tell us to move. This time we walk around the whole place in circles while the game is being played.  Turk's telling us why he doesn't let or like people tapping him on the shoulder that its rude and if somebody does it again, he's going to knock him out. Finally, we find a space to stand under this taller type partition that people were sitting behind. We're there 15 minutes with no drama. There's like 2 minutes left in the game and Turk is loosing and he starts yelling again. Its a 2 or 3 point spread, a free throw or 2 can win the game and its the last 2 minutes which is like foul central. Its usualy quiet when they shoot, their missing shots now Turk is yelling and cursing at the top of his lungs. I knew someone was going to say something but I really wanted someone to tap him on the shoulder, in a way, we all did.
              Not 2 minutes after that, a guy reaches down and taps him on the shoulder, to us 3, it was like time stopped. He grabs the guys fingers and starts cranking them around. Now the guy is yelling, Turk's yelling, its classic. At this point I was scared but at the same time I wanted to laugh because you could never write this shit. Turk lets the guys fingers go and its on, security is coming and we ran out of there all the way to Port Authority. We lost Turk along the way but we didn't give a fuck. We got on a bus and went back through the Tunnel back to Jersey. We were scared at first, then we laughed it off on the bus. When we went back from our school break, we all laughed about it with Mr. Lindsey. He asked us what we were thinking going with Turk? We told him that he had givin us the number but he said he didn't think we would go on with it. At that time is when Mr. Lindsey told us Turk's claim to fame, he once punched Red Auerbach, The Coach of the Bosten Celtics in the face and did time because of it. He was a sports freak. I never saw Turk again till we graduated from the 8Th grade when he brought an old washed up stripper from the roaring 30's to our basketball courts to see if any of us wanted to fuck her as a graduation present. We were all horny, but we all declined. He made her pull up her shirt and show us her fucked up tits and we all ran home crying.
            I never forgot that night, and sitting there watching Felicia's kids laughing gave me hope that one day when they're my age, they'll think about the night with Gabe and laugh like I did by myself tonight. I mean the night wasn't as crazy, but laughter is laughter, so who the fuck knows. Here's the strange twist, I haven't spoken to Whitey in 4 years, but Chucky, I spoke to on Sunday and we're going to hook up in Vegas tonight because he is a Head coach of a Men's college team that is playing in a tournament there, fucking fate, did we love hoops or not? I'm also going to try and interview him about this story and put it up on the Beauty And Da Beast Podcast on one of the future episodes.
            When we spoke Xmas day, he said he was thinking about me because he was watching the Knicks on TV and he remembered, obviously he remembered the night for different reason, I remember it for what it was, a guy being himself and giving me a memory I never forgot.
              Thank you very much for reading, and do me a favor, Have a Happy and Healthy New Year, without you guys, 2012 isn't going to be shit. Much love and remember......Stay Black!


  1. Hell yea CoCo. Merry New Year to you too!! Thanks for the words and stories. So awesome. Stay black cocksucker!!!

  2. Once again another shot of life from you!