What's happening beautiful people? How does it feel to be one of the beautiful people? I just had to say that. Hope everyone is alive and ticking. its August can you believe it? Time flies when your having fun. I went back to WeightWatchers yesterday to try and figure out this new point system but its a pain in the ass. I went back not because the diet wasn't working but because I'm ready for the next level. I went from 405 to 280 but in the pictures I looked sickly and my head looked huge, which it is. Who you kidding? So I decided to go back because so many people inquire about it I felt maybe we could lose the weight together like fucking mo-mo's! So I'm going to go down from 295 to 250 with you guys as my witness. Lets do this Bitches!
In 94' when I was getting going with comedy. I was living in New York and decided to move back to Boulder to give it a go. I loved the comedy scene in New York at the time for my level but I was starting to slip and I could'nt take a bust for something stupid at this point in my life. I was also a Father going through a horrible divorce. I decided that I was going to go back, be a father and get my comedy career going. I moved back in late November and started my quest. I got a job selling cars and at night I went to every redneck bar in Denver and did comedy. I was barely getting by. I had my daughter on Wednesday and every other Sunday and I was happy with that. I would always do comedy especially on those nights because when I'd drop her off I'd be broken hearted. So I would take my pain and anger out on the mike. I wasn't good but my energy was entertaining and my stage presense was off the charts.
In early 95' things started moving. I had like 18 minutes of solid material and believe it or not, I was getting work. I was from Jersey and had an accent so I was sort of a novelty on the scene. One day I get a call to do a showcase at the Denver Comedy Works. It was on a Tuesday night during the open mike. I think the guys name was Tim Testa. He was a great guy. I would get spots every other Tuesday and that was fine with me. I started hanging out more and more and I started getting star spots on Wednesday and Thursday nights which wasn't bad. I took a bus from Boulder to Denver and back it was fun.
So here I was, my comedy was going great and my other life, fatherhood was in the toilet. I loved my daughter but it was tough. There was always a problem or I had done this or I had done that and don't get me wrong at the time, I was a one man wrecking crew. I was snorting and doing returns at department stores to make a living. It was sad but I was slowly putting it together. At the time, I had nothing but after 16 years, I was getting me back with something other than drugs or crime, it was called, Comedy. You write, you go out, you work and you go out the next night and do it again, the old fashioned way. I was seeing results. If I worked hard enough I could stop doing petty crimes and have a life for the first time even if I was 32 years old at the time.
I became part of a scene. Comedians would invite me to there homes for parties. I was something other than a criminal, in those days I didn't talk about it like I do now. I was a fucking prude then. I thought if people knew they would'nt trust me or even like me so I would'nt say a fucking word then. One night I'm doing a Wednesday night star spot and for some reason or another I crush. I was fucking shock! The booker at the time was a sweet lady named, Wendy. She approached me and told me she loved it and that she was going to showcase me for weekend spots. All this in front of a comedian who I considered a friend. We spoke on the phone, did shows together, drove to gigs together and we even had plans to go cross country and showcase at different venues. He hears this and smiles, we high five or some shit and we move on. I really liked him. I can't remember his name, it was an Irish last name or something. Before I wrote this I hit a few guys up from that time to see if any body remembered but nobody did.
One night about a week later. We're at The Comedy works after a show and some comics are hanging out drinking, laughing. An open mike girl who was cute and sassy came by, she was flirty and always kind of loose but no one slept with her that type of girl. I knew her, she was nice. She saw me and if you've ever been there, it goes down on a slope, like a hill into a small theatre. I was in the back getting something or another. When I walk out she see's me and inocently runs down at me and jumps up at me. My immediate reaction was to catch her. When she lands my hands land in a certain position on her ass cheeks. Nine out of ten that would be everyones reaction. We hugged, she kissed me hello and that was that. Everyone was there and everyone saw it. About a week goes by. Wendy is giving me spots that week on Wednesday and Thursday, I'm exited as fuck. Wednesday morning I get a call from Wendy and she tells me that the girl called or showed up and said that I had grabbed her ass in a sexual way. That she had contacted their attorneys so I was now banned from the club. I sat there in complete disbelief. It took me years to get my life together and now this. There were 2 other clubs in the area but this was the premiere club. If you want to be at the top you have to hang and learn from the best, this was that place.
I went into a depression. I had nothing. My life with my daughter sucked that was going no where fast. I lived in a small studio Rocky apartment. I had a beat up car. I had no family, I had nothing but myself........myself. I thought about my next move. I had nothing to stay there for, and the funny thing, it was that comic who was my friend who talked the girl into talking to Wendy. It was fucked up. In my eyes I was done. Was I?
I was walking around with a ton of anger in my heart then. I was shafted by my step dad after my Mother died, I was shafted by my wife, now this. The world was against me. The worst thoughts came into my head. I was going to ice my wife, her new boyfriend, and my plan was to do life in prison but at the same time write jokes for Jay Leno. Now I was going to add this fucking rat to my list and go away forever. I would stay up at night snorting coke and by the end of the night I would be there crying with my nose dripping thinking about giving up. Was this it?
I thought about it and I came up with a compromise. I wasn't going to kill anyone and throw away a life. From the results I had seen I knew in my heart if I kept working I would get funnier and funnier and one day I would show them. For years Rogan would go to Denver and he would ask about bringing Joe Diaz and they would say I was banned for Sexual Harrasment, do you have any idea how embarrasing that is. I'm a thief, piece of shit street guy, I've done a lot of bad things in my life but a sexual predator........Stop it! I was raised by s fucking strong woman, so yes I fucked up and I get thrown out, and yes I was in the gutter and yes I was going to kill motherfuckers and yes! Here I am! 20 years later showing you motherfuckers that when your back is against the wall, its in our nature, thats when animals do there best work! Thats what it means to keep pushing. Today I laugh and guess what, even though their nice people and all, they pushed the wrong fucking person because here I am telling you, anything is fucking possible and again I don't have my own TV show and I'm far from rich or famous but nobody ever talks about being happy because you proved your motherfucking point!
Thank you for reading, people and situations are going to get in your way. Take a good luck, put your goggles on and fuck them! You could take everything from a person but you can't take their heart! Much love, have a good week and Stay Black!
See you August 10th at The Brea Improv! MadFlavorWorld launching tonight get ready!
August 13th Milwaukee
August 19th-20th Scottsdale
August 25th San Jose Improv...........Banana Bread Thursday 8PM