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I'm a Comedian who loves to write blogs about my past experiences, no matter what they are.

Monday, March 28, 2011


         Greetings cocksuckers! Sorry I didn't post anything last week. As you know I was on the road. When I go out I have to decide between my sleep apnea machine or the computer because I'm not hauling both of them plus luggage and all that shit, so guess who wins? The sleep apnea machine. It's good to get off this thing from time to time so you could live your life again as a POW for a few days, like a Soldier!
       Before I went home last week I was excited about all the people I was going to see. People like George K., Lubes, Lisa Tizzio and old friends I hadn't seen in years. While I was making hotel reservations and trying to figure out where I was staying George suggested me staying with his Grand Ma for a few days at first I wasn't sure but after thinking about it, I agreed George's Nana is a COOL motherfucker.
        I met Nana for the first time in 1985. I was 23 and she was 63. By this time she was retired. I met her grandson George in North Bergen summer school in 79 and we always stayed in touch. In 83 when I got in trouble and split for a while, we lost contact. In 85 when I made a comeback I was still laying low living in Tenafly. One day while I was walking around looking looking for what to rob next, I saw a familiar face landscaping, George. We exchanged numbers and as crazy as this sounds I got to use it that night when I called him to pick me up from Bergen County Jail. I had gotten picked up for selling stolen property but at the time I had a warrant. George got me out. When I arrived at my home, the landlord was throwing me out so George brought me to his home that night and in a way, I never left.
     When I got to his home he introduced me to his mom and his grandma. I immediately felt the love. Even though I was broke they fed me and shared whatever they had. I immediately started looking for work to get on my feet. I took a job as a construction helper with this scumbag. I didn't have transportation or tools so the guy rode me hard. I was a young idiot at the time waiting for my next score but I wanted to learn a trade so I kept my mouth shut. One day the guy gave me a check that bounced and I had no dough all weekend. When I saw him Monday he said he made a deposit and this and that but he knew what he did.
     A couple of weeks went by and he did it again. There I was Friday night with no dough, Fuck him. He would make me go all the way to his house even though he was going to drive past my corner so I knew where he lived. It was in Palisade Park somewhere. I had George drive me and I told him to stay put. I break into his house, I find my cash and a little extra which was going into my pocket for pain and suffering. I clip some jewelry, a little more cash but on the way out I saw something that I knew would fuck with him. His famed bottle of that ass water DOM PERRIGNON. It was a Magnum and a collectible for some reason or another and the asshole wouldn't shut up about it. He thought it was his key to Hollywood or something. So on the way out, I took it to go.
     When we got home George and I looked through the loot, but Grandma saw the bottle and in her classic nature she asked, What's that Coco? I looked at George, he looked at me. We both said, Champagne! She asked, what are you going to do drink that? We didn't know. Our plan was to sell it to a liquor store and go into the city to a club.
     We went to a couple of spots and no one was interested. Were sitting at the house when Nana comes back from Bingo and asked how come were not out yet. We looked at each other, got a cork screw or whatever the fuck we needed and pooped that bottle. George, Nana and me drank the whole magnum. We caught a good buzz then went to a restaurant called Picallisimo in Fort Lee, New Jersey and eat the best Lobster Fra Diablo you ever tasted. We want back to the house, danced with Grandma for a while then we all passed out.  I had a great time in a family setting for the first time since my mom had passed. It gave me a certain strength that I had forgotten about, family love, there's nothing like it and when you don't have it you don't miss it because you don't really know it exist until your back in that energy. It made my path clearer.
      I've loved grandma ever since. I never really knew my Grandmothers or remember them for that matter so in reality she's the first grandmother I've ever had. Later on that year I got my shit together and put together a little something and made the long awaited decision to move to Colorado, settle down and get away from the shit or find myself That was June of 85.

   In February of 94 after my divorce I decided to move back to North Bergen to get my life together. I had nothing going on but I wanted to do stand up. Mitzi, George's Mom had moved out and there was room at grandma's. I could throw her some Bingo money and pick up some meals and do whatever she needed. George came back to. He was on one trip and I was on another. He the H, me the powder. Every night was an adventure and grandma was in the middle. She knew what we were up to. As soon as her light went out, it was on. George would run to the bathroom and I would stay right there and do bumps. I could do my bumps first so I would put it away and bust George's balls. Grandma had a Gong on the wall. I would wait till she was good and rested then I bang that motherfucker and she'd come running out and ask? What the hell was that? She'd look around then ask? Where's Georgie? She'd run to the bathroom and bang on the door, George what you doing in there? I'd be to coked out to laugh by that point.
    Later that year I went back to Colorado to go after a comedy career. But I always thought about grandma. Before I got on the plane this last time, George told me she was old. Its been 26 years later, she was old when I met her. She's 89 and she doesn't stop all day. She sweeps, she cleans, she shovels snow, she argues with her dog and she's loosing her hearing but she's still alive a funnier than ever, that kind of shit inspires me but between you and I, she always inspired me. She'd talk to me about Cuba even though she's from Panama and she always said that Cuba got what was coming to them for all the gambling and the prostitution, that's a weird way of looking at it but she ain't lying. She also once told me that I had to act a certain way because I was Spanish that I should always be proud and respectful.
   It seemed like every time I failed over the years I found a certain strength in Grandma that would set me out on the world on fire.When I went home this time I wasn't failing but in a way I've been feeling alone out here in L.A. lately not to mention, I hadn't been home in two years, so now I think it was a good choice to stay with her as a reminder of my life and where I've been but for the cold reminder that you have to live your life every day, she does.
  Thank you for reading this shit, its my life. Have a great week most importantly Stay Black!


  1. Diaz you are simply the man. Thank you for your thoughts and words. Can't wait to see you in Portland! Fukin pumped!

  2. Thanks Joey, great reading as always

  3. King Diamond - Welcome Home.. Get it together cocksucka!!

  4. That shit was raw. Joey fucking Diaz always keeping us honest. Stay alive gangsta, I'm fucking amped at you coming to the boroughs of Salinas, ca aka. Salas donde tíran balas. Lol this shit hole is going to be be dope for one night. 04/09/11 you cockroaches!!!

  5. im from london england,touching words joey...keeping it real..