About Me

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I'm a Comedian who loves to write blogs about my past experiences, no matter what they are.

Monday, March 19, 2012


                              Whats happening beautiful people? One more day and its Spring, fuck that, in some parts of the Country that means a lot of fucking snow, like in Colorado for example, one minute the birds are chirping the next minute the sky is falling and there's pinguins running around, my point? Who the fuck knows I just got back from a long walk, Yoga, and I'm stoned to the gills.

                              What many people don't know about me is that in 84' when I was young and confused a took a 2 week course at The American Bartending Institute in New York. Yes I fell for the dream, booze, bitches a cash register full of twentys and a dealer in the bathroom, good times right? Fuck no! I had learned to bartend at my Mom's bar as a kid but it was tough to use that as a reference. My first job mixing drinks was great, it was a Union gig and everyone stole except I got caught and fired. The Institue promises lifetime placement, so I went down there and they would get me these entry level gigs that meant you got shitty shifts, like a Saturday and Sunday afternoon or a slow night, shifts nobody else wanted.
                          In 85', I was living in New Jesey, but I was about to move to Colorado and start from scratch. I was looking for a job for a few months so I could have a reference when I moved. I called the School and they told me there was a gig open at some country club in Northern New Jersey which was close to where I was living at the time, perfect. I go down there and get hired part time but I could also work the special parties. At the time I'm also Cocaine free and I was almost crime free. I had stopped the January before and believe it or not, I was doing quite fine with it, I was really trying to get things together.
                       I work a few shifts and as usual it wasn't a money maker but I was determined to stick it out. I'm there about 2 weeks everything is going great and I get asked to work a party, a Bar Mitzvah to be specific. The people I had worked with were all pretty straight laced so I pretty much kept my mouth shut, they were the regular employees but the shift I worked for the party was buck wild. They were in College and we were all about the same age. If I remember correctly, it was an Italian chic from Bayonne and a couple of black dudes from Englewood and a Jewish guy from the suburbs who out of all of them was the craziest and the coolest. He was smoking dope while we he was working with his Yamakuh on!
                      This Jewish kid was working behind the bar with me and I noticed that the kids parents kept giving him bundles of gifts and envelopes to put in the back office. After a few minutes, the Italian chic comes over and ask why were they giving him that stuff to put in the back. He told her that there was probably cash in the envelopes and they didn't want them out in the open. The girl was like, fuck that! She was complaining that the guest weren't tipping her so she was taking dough out of the envelopes. By this time, the 2 brothers from Englewood are in on it, the Jewish kid said it was bad luck but he was in for a taste. One by one they went back there, I stood there in shock! For the first time in a long time, I was really trying to get my life together. The Christmas before, I had spent it sleeping in hallways and on couches and I was sick of it. I was sick of the drugs and the bullshit and this was the beginning of it,  now these kids are robbing a Bar Mitvah, how the fuck this always happen when I'm around. This was the kind of shit I would bump into on a regular basis. I made up my mind not to go to that back office, I was broke at the time but so what, I wanted to live my life straight.
                 All of a sudden the one Brother comes out and says, there's a bunch of cash back there, you better go back there and get you some! I said fuck it! I walk in and these animals are taking ALL the cash out of the envelopes, there were thousands of dollars. I stopped them and told them they'd notice the cash gone, to just take a little bit from each envelope but to hit all the envelopes not just a few of them. Finally, I started taking 20$ and 50$ like a motherfucker. Once we hit like a grand a piece, we stopped and between us, there was a bunch of loot left. We're all doing shots celebrating, I couldn't believe it. I remember leaving that night and feeling terrible about myself but at that time, thats who I was, a common thief.

               I went back the following week for my shift and the regular waiters were talking about it. They were asking, Who would do such a thing? They knew it was the staff that had worked that night. They asked me questions and said the police would get involved. I finished my shift and never went back. I never felt good about that one, a kids Bar Mitzvah money? Thats cold blooded,  but it was a hell of a party though!

             Those are the kind of stories that pop in my head from time to time and I want to shoot myself but its done. It was a long time ago, and we've come along way. I wonder about the people that were my accomplices on that day, do they still remember the day? Do they feel as bad as I felt? Twenty years ago, I felt bad but you got to ask yourself, who the fuck knocks off a Bar Mitvah? Nobody's never even thought of that one.
             I hope you enjoyed my Monday afternoon story, its fucked up, but its my life, what can you do? Anyway if you want to hear more fucked up criminal stories, this ain't nothing, come to The IceHouse Stage 2 on Thursday March 22nd @ 8:30.  626 577 1894 Get tickets this place always sells out!
             The documentary will be released Monday April 2nd and I'll be @ The Miami Improv March 29th-31st 305 441 8200. Besides that, have a great week, a good Spring Day but most importantly......Stay Black!


  1. Good read. Everyone's got a story, (or a bunch of them,) but it takes a bit of talent to get those stories across. Looking forward to more, sir.

  2. Damn Joey you as cold as ice! We've all fucked up man... well... at least you feel bad about it. If you could go back in time and do it over having the knowledge you do now, would you jack that shit again? If you would then you're a scumbag Joey, but if you wouldn't then you know you changed and are a better person. Stay black Joey we love ya.

  3. Joey, These Blogs are the greatest. You are one honest motherfucker. You have confessed you are now redeemed. Now say 8 Hail Mary's.

  4. I'd steal that shit right now! Much love CoCo god speed and party on!