Hello beautiful people! Its a great week for a holiday. I can't wait for Thursday, I'm not doing dick. The usual, a little exercise in the morning, stop by the reefer store, some turkey with my wife, some football, then I make my rounds. To boot, I'm staying in a mile radius this year because I don't want to be in a car all day like a cab driver, no drama!
Anyway, last Friday I wrote a post about me kidnapping that poor bastard 24 years ago. When I looked at the calender that morning it dawned on me like it does every year. Its a scary day for me, thats why I post it, a day that I will never forget because of the good and bad that came out of it. For years I would look at the date and cringe, for years I never mentioned it. This all went down in 87, I went to prison in 88. After I got out besides the people that were close to me, I told no one. For reasons I didn't understand, I think the main was my embarrassment. I always thought I was a street smart guy and a little intelligent, how could this and how did I let this happen?
I could've blamed it on the blow and my childhood but I didn't, I knew what I was doing. I look at a lot of people and I could tell if their bullshitting about a situation or if their bullshitting themselves, the latter is the worst because its not confidence, its a voice. How can I tell? That was me, bullshitting myself . When I look at a guy like Chris Brown for example. I knew he was bullshitting before the incident so when something happened I wasn't surprised because he didn't know who the fuck he was. He's on TV talking about growing up watching his mother get beat up, he hates this and he hates that but I knew he was just talking, Bamm! A year later he's beating up the singer and now he's in the public spotlight again and he still ain't right so he'll fuck up again, give him time.
I know these things because that was me at 26, talking shit about what I was going to do with my future but deep down inside, I didn't know who I was. At the time, this kidnapping fell in my lap, I was doing fine with my life. I had a great job, I was making great dough. I had a great place to live and a nice girlfriend and for the first time in years, peace! Why would I try to rob two kilo's of coke with two knuckleheads to boot? I figured I could make a score and go back to Jersey to do what the fuck I was doing before....Nothing! Why?
In my mind I guess I had no purpose. I always thought I would end up in jail and when I did I realized, that wasn't the life for me. I remember towards the end of the afternoon with those two idiots that I got involved with. There was a point that I had decided that this was a mistake and I was going to get caught. I went out to the trunk to get a peice I had hidden and I was going to shoot, the both of them, I remember hearing the buzzing in my ears and feeling my blood pressure rising but till this day I can't explain the energy that stopped me. At first I thought I was weak and I pussy but I figured out I was there so I wasn't a pussy, that thought, that minute was what made me change my life, not the prison, or the time inside or the confusion, but the reason why I didn't shoot those two, my heart wasn't into it but I thought it was. I thought because of this death and that death of my family and close friends and the other things I saw my step dad do as a child, like shoot Nico on 148th Street, and the things I saw and was exposed to in my mothers bar were enough to pull but it wasn't because I had never bought into it fully in my heart, that wasn't who I was and thats why I'm here today.
There is a scene in the movie "Scarface" when Tony tells Sosa that he never fucked nobody over that didn't have it coming to them. I could say that for the victim Vella but I can't. He was involved at some level but he didn't deserve the things that happened to him that afternoon. Unlike myself, he didn't learn. After our situation he got involved in a different robbery and this time they gave him a beating. I saw him last in 93' in Boulder when I was trying to cop some coke in some bar. I apologized, and he accepted but he was mess, don't get me wrong, I was fucked up, but he was gone. I always thought about him after that. So when I found him on Facebook last year and tried to reconnect, he didn't respond.
I don't want to break his balls I just want to let him know that I'm sorry. I paid my debt to society, to myself and now I just wanted to let him know, the bigger the man, the bigger the mistake. I hope you guys don't read me wrong, as a comedian, I had to give this light. It was killing me inside and confronting it made me a better man. The events that led up to that and how I was never going to get myself in a situation like that again were the emphasis of the lesson. I never knew I was still going to be learning from it 24 years later. Sometimes something bad is something good, you just have to wait and watch it unravel, thats the only reason why I mention it!
Thank you for reading and for all your support. I'll be at The Madhouse Comedy Club in San Diego this weekend 2 shows per night @ 8pm and 10pm call 619 702 6666 for reservations. I'll also be taping a CD @ The Brea Improv on Tuesday December 6th @ 8PM 714 482 0700 come on down.
I hope you guys have a safe and great holiday! Much Love but most importantly......STAY BLACK!